


Won't you try to save me

by drugsins



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Dark, Depression, Existential Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-08
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2017-12-22 19:47:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/917345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drugsins/pseuds/drugsins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But maybe there was the time Louis finally realised it wasn't his fault. He had been the one that had saved him so many times and deserved anything but this from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Won't you try to save me

**Author's Note:**

> ¤ find me on tumblr at drugsins ¤

It's all flashing lights and burning sounds making him dizzy and trembling.

 He opens his eyes slowly and all he sees is white splayed everywhere in front of him for a few seconds before everything gets shape and he can finally distinguish the screaming faces of girls, lying at his feet literally, holding cameras and phones shoved towards him. A whole immense room full of people crying just for him, wishing to just be lucky enough to get a simple soft touch from him.

And he shivers.

 It's his turn so he slowly raises the microphone to his lips, the emotions choking him and his voice coming out raspy and strangled. He closes his eyes against a single tear that is threatening to fall because he knows that he can't be less than perfect. Perfect like they all think he is, like they all want him to be. He can't fail at this, it's not his choice. He's not permitted to show anything, he can't let himself break in front of them. He's happy and rich and famous. That's what he's portrayed to be.

 But is it enough? Knowing everything is a lie? Knowing you just want to curl into yourself right there on stage and cry your eyes out because everything hurts and you can't do anything about it, you have no control over your own life? 

A soft touch comes onto his shoulder and Harry knows Liam's voice is the one that echoes along his. Always put it on Liam to make everything better, to help him sing his fucking part because he's not able to. Not when a stupid pain in the chest makes him struggle for breath and he coughs.

 He sighs slowly, reaching for Liam's touch, backing into his hand as if trying to calm the beats of his heart. He's long given up on singing and Liam is now finishing his solo on his own, trying to put as much life into it, trying to fix it.

 But he can't fix it, can he? He can't always be the one picking Harry's pieces left among the way because nobody does that. Nobody cares that much and even if Liam is here now, he won't care enough soon to stay. 

The song finishes and they linger like that for a while, staring into the distance and breathing hard. The sound is deafening, screams echoing into his head among with his own thoughts screaming loudly _'stop stop stop_.' 

 But they won't stop, will they?

The lights on the scene go out and for the first time, Harry turns around to look at Louis. He has this pained expression on his face, staring straight into his eyes as if reading the darkest secrets of his soul.

 And he knows.

Louis always knows. He's the one who always has to fix everything Harry breaks and destroys. Because that's what his role is, isn't it? Healing him.

 

Harry avoids his gaze as he backs onto the stage among the other boys, taking his new position for the next song. He fixates his eyes into the ground because he's not allowed to look. He can't look at the love of his life because it's wrong. That's what they've told him.

He jumps slightly when he feels a light touch onto the back of his neck and a soft murmur of "Are you ok?".

 _'I'm not I'm not-'_ , he wants to scream, heart clenching over these words as Louis massages slowly at his neck, fingers lingering at the hairs growing there. _'Get away from me.'_ , his brain keeps whispering to him, dizzying him, his legs getting weak and tired. _'Don't touch me, don't ever fucking touch me again-'_

"I'm fine." He snaps, pushing Louis roughly as the boy blinks in surprise at him, sadness flashing in his eyes and body stumbling from the push. He's trying to balance himself as Harry eyes him angrily and turns around towards the public.

 He won't cry. He can't let himself be weak. He won't show anything towards him. That's how it's supposed to be right? Just two fucked up 'friends' who don't look at each other and never touch because _'what would the world think?'_

 

Xx  


The ride home is a mess.

 Harry sits silently in the back of the car, scratching at his left wrist as he watches the surroundings passing them by. The boys are somewhere in front of him, laughing and talking loudly but he can't hear them. He can only feel Louis' hurt eyes on him as he watches him without a word from his seat near Zayn. He hasn't said anything to him since the concert ended and he feels like screaming.

 _'Breathe, breathe'_ , he keeps chanting into his head and everything seems so hard and he's just a boy. He's 18 and his heart hurts and he loves and he breaks. He keeps scratching at his wrist until the pain washes over him because he might have just opened a recent scar. But he refuses to look down at probably fresh blood dripping down his hand. He clenches his fist and pulls his sleeve tighter on his body, covering his arm. He can hear Louis gasping as he sees red fingers and he closes his eyes. 

 Louis knows.

 So many times he had kissed him slowly, whispering nothings into his ear as he placed light fingers on two of his identical scars from his wrist. Louis had kissed them and held him and said 'I love you, don't leave me Harry, please' and Harry had hugged him and cried himself to sleep while Louis had sang him a slow lullaby. 

He's getting dizzy and he grips his fist tighter just to stop the bleeding, hoping one day he won't have what to bleed anymore.  


Xx  


And maybe that's it. There's always one moment in life when you think 'maybe this should be over for me' and you can't turn back. It remains stuck into your head, permanently shouting into your ears and you cringe. You think 'I'm not fucking strong enough' and you cry because you're a coward even when it comes to this, to ending everything.  


As Harry stares out of the window, he thinks that maybe this was his path after all. To meet him, to love him, to leave him, to break him. But he won't be able to fix him, just like Louis does with him everytime. Because he's too selfish and he can't even fix himself. 

  
Xx  


Water runs heavily onto his back as the shower hits him at full force, making his muscles ache. He winces at the pain it creates but doesn't move. His eyes strongly shut, his head spins and he hears the door of the room close loudly with a bang.

 He probably left but he'll be back. He always comes back to Harry, holding him into his arms and saying how perfect he is and how he couldn't live without him. But is that true? How can louis love him so much if he's just a wreck? He has nothing to give but himself and he's so damaged. Would you take him if a ruined boy offered himself to you, body and soul?

 Because Harry lost himself when he met Louis. He met him and he loved him more than he's ever loved anything in life and he's become only a memory of what he's been. This boy had ripped him apart, taken everything he wanted, left him broken and empty and then came back kissing him and fixing everything. And this happened every time he looked at him. Over and over again until Harry screamed and cried and kissed and loved. Every time Louis smiled all wide and eyes shining, every time he murmured into Harry's wet skin 'You'll never leave me yeah?', every time he thrusted slowly into him, leaving him a quivering mess all shaking limbs and hazzy eyes as he kissed his pulse point softly with a 'I'd die without you.'

And Harry doesn't know why exactly but he's shaking and he collapses to the floor of the shower, hugging his knees tightly and crying into them because this was never meant to happen. Loving, kissing, even looking. Everything was forbidden, 'wrong, wrong, disgusting', his head screams and Harry has to cover his ears to keep from screaming his lungs out.

 And it would be so easy. To fall apart and never let Louis pick him up again because he doesn't deserve it and he's not worth it and Louis was never meant to him. He should be happy and not waiting for Harry to collapse in order to fix him anytime. He should be with someone able not to break so easily. But he would never find anyone to love him like this. In this twisted, sadistic way that would mean giving his entire human being for him. Because Harry feels just like that. Feels like he could give him entirely to Louis and never ask anything in return but him.

But hasn't he already done this? Give every fiber of himself to him, feeling everything stolen from him?

 Harry shakes his head to cover the high scream he lets out.

  
Xx  


It's almost midnight and Louis still hasn't come back.

 Harry sits on the bathroom floor, wearing only his black boxers and he stares at his hands. Scars, scars and pain. He looks at the abused wrist he scratched earlier until it bled and he lets out a sigh. It's still inflamed and ugly looking almost reliving whatever Harry felt in that moment he did it. He looks at every single one of them and he remembers everything. Screaming, shouting, hitting, leaving, falling to the ground and him picking up. Kissing, making love, laughing and promising.

 'I'm gonna marry you one day.', Louis had whispered on a sunny, warm day when they were sitting outside on their porch, tangled together in the grass, Louis' lips brushing his nose. He felt so happy and light headed he had smiled and kissed him until he was out of breath.

He looked up with dizzy eyes toward the cupboard. He knew that someday something will be damaged completely into him, something not even Louis would be able to fix. Because it was himself that broke it. Him with his love and his eyes and his vows and touches and being. Harry would have never thought that he could feel so full and empty with loving someone so much that his vision went white with happiness and pain.

 He stood up on wobbly feet and opened the small cupboard reaching for a razor. He sit down slowly, letting himself breathe heavily and started letting out small sighs. He was finally ready. 

The door of the flat finally opened and Harry heard paces into the room, approaching the bathroom.

"Harry?" A small voice came from behind the door, making Harry's heart clench. Louis sounded so innocent and tired.

"Harry, what are you doing in there?" The voice already started to panic a bit, soft banging coming from the door.

 Of course Louis fucking knew. How many times had he dragged Harry from the same bathroom floor, all shaking and blood flowing from his wrist as Harry had let himself be carried and petted and whispered to 'I'm sorry, oh my god harry, I'm so sorry.'

But maybe there was the time Louis finally realised it wasn't his fault. He had been the one that had saved him so many times and deserved anything but this from him.

 The banging had become desperate now and Louis started screaming into the door, hands clutching the handle with no use.

"Harry open the door! Please, Harry!"

But maybe it's a time to go and forget everything and everyone. And as Harry drags the razor against both his wrists with a bit more force than all the times before, he realises his had come. Louis' harsh breaths and shouts are becoming just a whisper now into the darkness engulfing him but maybe that's what he's always wanted. Going to sleep to Louis' voice and maybe being able to never face anything again.  
  
  


 


End file.
